dwink i owned a company and all i got was this stupid blog

Pacify Me, part 1

Becky got this anonymous-looking Manila envelope in the mail a while back. It put me in a bit of a quandary: opening someone else's mail is a federal offense, y'know, but what if it were blackmail photos? My secret life as an undercover agent for S.H.I.E.L.D. could be over before of really got started, and I just wouldn't stand for that.

So I popped it open* to find a single sheet of paper: a ransom note! It said, "Becky, here's that copy of my book you said you wanted to read. Enjoy!" And then, underneath it, a top-secret new device for subtle influence of people! A....what was it called? A B-O-O-K. I was hoping for a Melt-O-Mind 3000, but this'll do, I suppose.

And then I realized I wasn't the only man in her life. She had other male friends. Heartbreaking. And this man had children, too. And he wrote about being a Dad, and how it scared the hell out of him at first. Kinda like me! Wait a second, I needed to read this book -- no guys out there had the balls to write about something so gentle and scary as being a new Dad --feeling worried about fatherhood was for girls, right?

...uh, right?

Well, the truth is, we guys have just as much, if not more, anxiety about what it'll be like to have a kid of our own, and the "what to expect" books give us a footnote: Don't worry if your husband is quietly freaking the f*** out; this is normal and will pass soon. We hope. Now, on to lactation!...

So I did what any dad who never had such a book would do: I snitched it and started reading it on my commute.

...to be continued...

* actually, Becky had already opened it, but that little fact just sucks storytelling-wise, so we'll just keep it in our back pockets, shall we? Shhhhh.